Really

6 months tomorrow. Wow I never thought it would go this far

its been a month and some days.

you cheated you lied, i love you.
i don't know who i'd be without you.
you're my soul, my air.
i need you in my life.

i never thought i'd be with a liar.

Its been a while.

I've been broken, noticing the truth. well i have noticed for a while already, but its hitting me. she hurt me, and i did some stuff that i now completely regret. i was sober for a long time, i thought i wouldn't have to result to it anymore, but i was wrong. she cheated, and lied. but i took her back. she has no idea how beautiful she is, it amazes me everyday. i wish she was here with ME. getting high made me free my mind, i wondered. i enjoy getting high. it was the only thing that helped me sleep those days. reminded me of my old ways, and how it used to be. it seems like a lifetime ago when i lived like there was no tomorrow. i wish i sometimes lived like that still. i miss the friends i had, and the things that came with it. one question that will forever bother me will be what will she be after i finally leave? it gets to me everytime. i've been though so much for this girl and its going to end anyways and she doesn't even know it.



fml.

16 days

And nothing has changed, you love me i love you.

Contemplating this.

Days and day have passed, this summer seems to be coming to an end.
I bought all i need for school, and now i'm counting the days til it begins.

ughhh junior year, the most important year of all.
shows if you graduate, and if you go to college.
I will also be attending college classes this fall
if i pass the college courses and go further
i will have saved 3,000 dollars of my parents money.

so much stress this year, i think sometimes if i might be able to do it.
cause i know myself i slack too much, and i only do so much just to get by.

i want to get on the ball, and actually try to make it into the a honor roll.
this year my GPA went down so much, i felt devastated.

it went from at 92 to an 89
i know its not a big difference
but it is to me. i slacked toooo much, and i hate it
i barely got accepted to the stupid THEA thing.

wish me luck on this, i need it terribly.
i don't want to disappoint anyone anymore.

it has been a while..

Everythings been alright, nothing new really. I'm not the same person that i was anymore. i'm broken, and weak. It's been 2 weeks since she said goodbye, even though i have her its not the same. We both know that we're stretching it, and its slowly tearing. I know i love her, but this distance is killing us both. I want her to be happy even if it doesn't include me. Days will go by, and my hold on her will go loose. she's everything i've ever wanted. but it won't happy. School starts in a month, its my junior year maybe this year is my breakthrough. Maybe this year i grow up. maybe i'll find someone for me. maybe maybe maybe.

i promised i wouldn't leave you.
but we both know it's going to happen.

So lovin

she said goodbye, she came back.
how much i adore her, but hurt so much.

she's everything i ever wanted.
but nothing i wished for.

she's hurt me sooooo many times
but i still take her back

shes a fun ride
but im ready to get off

2 weeks without you will hopefully show us the truth
have a good time in michigan

i love you

Love oh what a word.

and it ended with a "I can't do this anymore"
i promised i wouldnt leave.
and i didnt

YOU left.
you'll come back, like you did the last time.
but if you don't i can manage.
i did it the first time you left

I fucking miss you.
and i can say I Love you.
but I'm done this time.

now i know, i'll always be alone.
distance shouldn't matter if you love someone.
i guess you never loved me enough.
but i'll always be there for you.

I didnt listen to what people had to say about you.
i knew people like you.
love blinds people.

TRANSFORMERS.

So last night i watched it, and may i say it's pretty damn good.
It was amazing seriously it was worth the $8.75
All i could really think about was Megan Fox
Wow she's absolutely gorgeous beyond extent.
I'm now addicted to Bumblebee and Optimus Prime. ;D

I'm pale.

So recently i went to san marcos, and i thought perfect time to get a tan. ;D So the first day we go i used tanning oil. and it works :D Im tan as fuckkkkkkkkk well only on my legs and arms but its a start babes! I'm actually looking dark.... I hope it last til winter :P winter is when i get my palest. ahhh its terrible :P

Sloppy kids, Early Morning Movies.

Woke up around 9 ish, then the kids kept on asking for breakfast. So i made them some egg and chorizo with tortillas. They all ate good, then my neice made some kool-aid. It's starting pretty good, i have a low tolerance.....End of story. I've always been alone, minding my own business. I haven't gotten used to all these kids. My 2 sisters and brother are atleast 12 years older than me. Maybe more, so by the time i was around 4 they were all gone. So i grew up as an only child most of the time. I loved it, but i would get lonely, but i never in my life depended on people other than my parents. i want to go home so bad. I miss my bed, my food, dad. I feel my relationship with my dad will get better. He's not hiding anything anymore, i want to come clean on some things that i've done. But we're not there yet. ;D

San Marcos....

Sucks ass when you have nothing to do. I'm sitting contemplating if i should relax, or play with the kids. I really don't like kids at all. They annoy the shit out of me, but they're family. What can i say? Did anyone know I'm a hopeless romantic? I fall to easily for people that say "i love you". It's now a problem, why should i give my best to someone when they're faking it the whole time. I never listen to myself, i never believe i can do something. I have before, but i'm usually the one getting hurt, crying for hours. Lost for days.....I remember when i broke up with someone, i really didnt want too. But i had too. Even though i have someone new, i still think about that relationship and i think about the nights. DAMN. I need my homies at the moment, especially Ram. He's the only dude i trust with everything. ughhhhh, i need to go back to laredo. I'm missing my daddy.

venting and venting.

fuck, i'm just tired of every little shit.
turns out i have a 3 year old brother
and i thought i was my dad's only baby.

my parents lied to me for 3 years,
and everyone knew except for me.
i always wanted a baby brother but
not like that.
he's a cute little fucker but shiiiit.
his name is Victor Manuel. ughhhhhh
he looks like my dad.

it's so fucking disgusting. really.
they told me 2 days before warped.
that's all i thought about.

i had an amazing time, but it wasn't
it wasn't the best time to tell me.

once a cheater always a cheater.

I can feel a hot one.

Listening to the song makes me think of you, but is that what i want? I want you, but i can't. Another restless night without you is killing me. I'm tired of these feelings. I'm tired of hurting you. Why did you come back??? I've asked myself that stupid gosh dang question. I love you too freaking much. I can't bare to lose you, but i'm going to have to do it soon. I can't keep you waiting any longer for me, knowing i'm not coming around. I just want to be in your presence just for one time. I wanna see how you stand how you smile, the simple things i'll never get to touch. I just want to hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay. It's too late, i haven't talked to you for a couple of hours, and you seem not to care so why should i? You're not freaking perfect, you've done things already that have hurt me. Why do i keep letting you in? You kill me every time. When we talked today, you reminded me of what you did. Something i'll never get the chance to do. I can't say goodbye, but i have too.

Boo you whore.

Everything i did to that person, the new one is doing to me. Karma may i say? lol, most probably. I lost all feelings and emotion. Like i wouldn't care if this ended. Like really, it's practically dead. No joke. I lose feelings like no other. Once you do something to me, i start not caring. God dangit, i thought that person was different. Oh wait no i didn't i knew that person was going to do this to me. Just like all the rest. al;kdjfaijefa'ljdf. I'm so tired of all this shit really. But i can't say goodbye

Littlest things.

Wow, i'm just hurting that person. Why do i do this to myself and my love ones? I'm going crazy without that person, but it's not going to happen. But still i'm hard headed and stupid. Why did you come back???? why? It was going good, i was forgetting everything and then you came back. Why did you text me back? You wouldn't be like this if it wasn't for me. It's all my fault, every little bit. I'm not that person why can't you just see the truth. It's never going to happen, even though i'm in love with you. I'll never see myself with anyone else, but you. I love you, i love you, i love you. I wake up to you, sleep with you, laugh, and cry. You're my one and only. Something i've wanted since forever. I would give anything to be in the same room as you. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I just watch myself kill you in the inside. I bring hope, and let you down. I hope you see the true person i am one day, and hate me. I hurt you too much, i watch you bleed right in front of me.

It's early.

Don't you wonder how things change? or how things would've been? i was contemplating on how stuff happens, and its totally crazy. I used to have the tighest click and a bestfriend. Now my click are a bunch of guys, (which i love with all my heart) and my computer. lol how lame is that. I realized that i NEED to go out more. My bffl Bee invited me to go to the movies again on Saturday with my click but my click is poor including me. When the whole recission thing started my family was fine, but now its totally gone to shit. like really? My family doesn't deserve this. but life is life you just got to deal with it. Gosh Dangit, I need to go to bed. I'm hardcore sleepy but i need to think about stuff.....:/ it'll get better soon i hope

Oh Gosh.

I've been in my brother's house for the last couple of days, and it's been killing me. NO FREAKING CELLPHONE lol. I get so angry :P. So I started reading stuff and I thought well i like talking about myself why don't i show people what i talk about :P. It's fun how something so simple can make people do it. lol It's summer and i'm not doing shit. I haven't looked for a job, and i'm just laying around hoping something interesting may lighten up my day. Gosh dangit, i miss school sometimes. How i used to hang with the homies, and chill. In mr.Soto's class making fun of him, or walking around the hall saying hi to the administrators. Being a junior is going to be hell i know. But i have a couple of months still from being one. ;D